Last week was one of those weeks that are well worth remembering—for three reasons. One was that during the week our younger daughter, JJ, signed a contract for employment in an important position with Netflix, a movie distribution company. While the signing means she will be moving away from Greensboro, it was great news for the whole family—as I am sure it will be for the signing company. Her gifts and the new position are a perfect fit. A second was that our elder daughter, Emily, signed a contract for part-time employment as an ESL teacher in one of the local community colleges. Again, her gifts and the position are a perfect fit, and we rejoice over the economic and personal benefits that will ensue.


The third event that made the week special was that on December 17 Nancy and I celebrated our 41st wedding anniversary. In the midst of getting ready for Christmas I can’t say we did anything of great significance in the way of a celebration, but the milestone alone made it a memorable day. For some of you who read this blog 41 years of marriage is not that great an accomplishment, but for others it is something to look forward to and work towards. And I mean WORK towards…

As a pastor I have had the privilege of sharing in the wedding of many couples. Prior to the wedding itself I have usually spent several hours with the couple, giving them words of wisdom that may or may not be heeded—and that may or may not be worth heeding! In any case they were words that I had heard, learned and experienced in my own life. Let me share just three of them…

1. I would ask each of the partners to name one reason why they were getting married that did not use the word love. The question would usually be met with a quizzical look, but in exploring it further the real point would inevitably surface—the purpose of the marriage. What I was asking was for a reason that would bind the couple together when the emotion of love temporarily faded, as it inevitably would. And there is a right answer to the question—the service of God. My point was that the strongest marriages know that they are together not just for themselves or each other, or for the children they might have, but that God has called them together for a purpose, a purpose that will further his kingdom and its work. Marriages that know this truth and that seek to find ways in which as a couple and as a family God can be served, have latched onto the highest purpose and the strongest binding force for any family.

2. I would look carefully at the advice given by Paul concerning marriage, particularly his advice in Ephesians 5. I would focus on that particular passage for two reasons: it contains the most complete exposition of a healthy marriage anywhere and it is too often very misunderstood. The first thing I would note is that the usual break in Bibles is between verses 21 and 22—so that the marital instruction begins with wives, submit to your husbands… This break is, however, not where it should be. The break should be between verses 20 and 21, which makes the instruction begin with Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. There is big difference in these two starting points as the subject of what follows is properly defined as ways of submission, not issues of dominance… Secondly I would note that there is little practical difference between the advice given to wives, submit to your husbands, and that given to husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. In both cases the emphasis is on what one can give to the other—that is agape or sacrificial love. There is no sense of demanding anything from the other in this passage, but rather the whole point is mutual service of each other. In other words the passage is not about authority or dominance or control, but about giving, serving and helping. Finally, I would point out that the entire advice is about what one is to do to be the most helpful, caring and giving mate for the other, not about making the other into the mate one desires. I note that the natural tendency in marriage is to blame the other for troubles, and to try to get the other to do something we want them to do or be someone we want them to be. However, the entire advice of Paul is about the self, not the other. It is about our work in being the husband or wife God has called us to be, not about judging the other’s effort or accomplishment towards that goal.

3. A common element in a wedding ceremony is the unity candle, a large white candle that is placed unlit on the communion table between two smaller lit candles. At some time in the ceremony the bride and groom each take one of the smaller candles, representing themselves, and light the larger one, symbolizing the two coming together to become one. During my talks with couples prior to the wedding I ask whether or not they will be using this element. If the response is positive I then ask what they plan on doing with the smaller candles after they light the larger one. More often than not this is not something the couple has considered, and the typical response is blow them out. My response to that is a short statement about a third quality of a strong marriage—the development of the gifts and strengths of each party—and why the two candles should remain lit alongside the larger one. I tell the couple that when the wedding ceremony begins they come as two people, and as they walk down the aisle at the conclusion of the ceremony they walk down as a new unit, a new entity, a new creation—but this new creation does not obliterate their respective individuality. In other words, part of the work of a marriage is to build the marriage as a unit, but another part is to build each marriage partner as an individual. This is one aspect of what it means to serve each other—to help the other develop their unique gifts, talents, joys and potentials. It means not having to do everything together and, far from being threatened by the strengths or interests of the other, to celebrate them and help the other grow and express their strengths and talents and enjoy their interests. It means giving each other space to be an individual as well as cultivating life together.

Talking with couples before their marriage was usually a positive and encouraging task. It was also one which made me regularly evaluate my own marriage, and see how well I was living out what I was telling the couple to do. In that sense it was humbling… And it made me realize how blessed I was in my own marriage. Before I proposed to Nancy I asked a godly woman I knew, and who knew both me and Nancy well, whether or not in her opinion it would be right for us to marry. I did that because I did not trust my own decision making given the love I felt towards Nancy (yes, love can lead people to make bad mistakes). She encouraged me to go ahead, which I did. I am glad she said what she said and that I did what I did. I am grateful to God for 41 years of his blessing, and I am looking forward to however many more years he will give us—for our joy and for his glory and service.

Life for me these days seems to be partly defined by having less and enjoying it more. When we left the Northwest we intentionally moved down in size and possessions. We gave away much of what we had accumulated over the past forty years of marriage, and moved to the south, a new part of the world for us. We arrived with almost nothing but books and files and memorabilia, and most of the few furnishings we did bring quickly moved into our daughter and her husband’s house. Looking around our new house I can recognize one hutch, one chair, one rug, two lamps, two bunching tables and two small cabinets from our Northwest living—the rest has slowly come from shops nearby. And there is not a lot of the rest, because our house itself is less than half the size of our Shoreline house. It is small enough for me to plug the vacuum cleaner into one plug in the hallway and reach every corner of the house. We do not need an intercom because a word spoken in any recess of the home is pretty audible throughout.

We made this housing life choice partly because doing various ministries away from home for months on end we wanted a home that was easy to lock and leave. Part of the choice also came because our children have grown and gone, and also hosting students and internationals, which had been a big part of our life, would not make sense with us gone so much of the time.

But having lived with the new for a while now, besides the obvious economic benefits of smaller and less, I have found other wonderful benefits. One is that with fewer walls and floors and bathrooms and a smaller roof there is much less home-work that needs to be done. The list of to do’s is much shorter, which means the things that there are to do can be done at a more leisurely pace and with greater attention to detail. It also means that there is much more time to do other things—things that in the long run probably mean a lot more than many of the home projects of the past.


Another benefit is community. The part of our neighborhood we live in is pleasant and well maintained, but just around the corner there has been a McMansion building spree going on. The new homes have dramatic entryways, bonus rooms, a theater room, sprawling kitchens and at least one bedroom with walk-in closet and bath for each family member. As Nancy and I wander through some of the open houses for these homes we wonder how members of the families that live in them ever communicate with each other. The norm of these homes seems to be isolation and self-sufficiency, whereas the size of our home demands interaction and communication. Our younger daughter JJ is living with us for a while, and we are always interacting because there is no place to hide.

For years I have wondered about the housing choices that many make in various stages of life. Particularly I have wondered about choices that are bigger and bigger with more and more. I believe that the home is one of God’s gifts to us, and one of his larger gifts, and as such it is something which we are responsible to use for the building of his kingdom. The home, in other words, is something which we steward for God, and the measure of that stewardship is its use for him. And I wonder how that is lived out in too many circumstances where size seems to outdistance both need and ministry.

What Nancy and I have chosen we feel very good about, we find it freeing and satisfying. It is less than before, but far from being a sacrifice or a loss, we marvel regularly about the blessing and beauty we have in it! Our choice is right for us, but it is not to say that there is always inherent virtue in small nor lack of virtue in large. I know that every person and every family has its own set of issues, needs and opportunities. But I do commend stewardship of the home, the largest investment most of us have, to all, and do know that every one of us is and will be accountable for that stewardship. The economic realities of our time have put severe strains on some because of their housing decisions. It is my prayer that believers will recognize the spiritual realities of their housing decisions, and make choices which are both personally freeing and reflective of the challenge to all, which is to seek first the kingdom of God.