Last week was one of those weeks that are well worth remembering—for three reasons. One was that during the week our younger daughter, JJ, signed a contract for employment in an important position with Netflix, a movie distribution company. While the signing means she will be moving away from Greensboro, it was great news for the whole family—as I am sure it will be for the signing company. Her gifts and the new position are a perfect fit. A second was that our elder daughter, Emily, signed a contract for part-time employment as an ESL teacher in one of the local community colleges. Again, her gifts and the position are a perfect fit, and we rejoice over the economic and personal benefits that will ensue.


The third event that made the week special was that on December 17 Nancy and I celebrated our 41st wedding anniversary. In the midst of getting ready for Christmas I can’t say we did anything of great significance in the way of a celebration, but the milestone alone made it a memorable day. For some of you who read this blog 41 years of marriage is not that great an accomplishment, but for others it is something to look forward to and work towards. And I mean WORK towards…

As a pastor I have had the privilege of sharing in the wedding of many couples. Prior to the wedding itself I have usually spent several hours with the couple, giving them words of wisdom that may or may not be heeded—and that may or may not be worth heeding! In any case they were words that I had heard, learned and experienced in my own life. Let me share just three of them…

1. I would ask each of the partners to name one reason why they were getting married that did not use the word love. The question would usually be met with a quizzical look, but in exploring it further the real point would inevitably surface—the purpose of the marriage. What I was asking was for a reason that would bind the couple together when the emotion of love temporarily faded, as it inevitably would. And there is a right answer to the question—the service of God. My point was that the strongest marriages know that they are together not just for themselves or each other, or for the children they might have, but that God has called them together for a purpose, a purpose that will further his kingdom and its work. Marriages that know this truth and that seek to find ways in which as a couple and as a family God can be served, have latched onto the highest purpose and the strongest binding force for any family.

2. I would look carefully at the advice given by Paul concerning marriage, particularly his advice in Ephesians 5. I would focus on that particular passage for two reasons: it contains the most complete exposition of a healthy marriage anywhere and it is too often very misunderstood. The first thing I would note is that the usual break in Bibles is between verses 21 and 22—so that the marital instruction begins with wives, submit to your husbands… This break is, however, not where it should be. The break should be between verses 20 and 21, which makes the instruction begin with Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. There is big difference in these two starting points as the subject of what follows is properly defined as ways of submission, not issues of dominance… Secondly I would note that there is little practical difference between the advice given to wives, submit to your husbands, and that given to husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. In both cases the emphasis is on what one can give to the other—that is agape or sacrificial love. There is no sense of demanding anything from the other in this passage, but rather the whole point is mutual service of each other. In other words the passage is not about authority or dominance or control, but about giving, serving and helping. Finally, I would point out that the entire advice is about what one is to do to be the most helpful, caring and giving mate for the other, not about making the other into the mate one desires. I note that the natural tendency in marriage is to blame the other for troubles, and to try to get the other to do something we want them to do or be someone we want them to be. However, the entire advice of Paul is about the self, not the other. It is about our work in being the husband or wife God has called us to be, not about judging the other’s effort or accomplishment towards that goal.

3. A common element in a wedding ceremony is the unity candle, a large white candle that is placed unlit on the communion table between two smaller lit candles. At some time in the ceremony the bride and groom each take one of the smaller candles, representing themselves, and light the larger one, symbolizing the two coming together to become one. During my talks with couples prior to the wedding I ask whether or not they will be using this element. If the response is positive I then ask what they plan on doing with the smaller candles after they light the larger one. More often than not this is not something the couple has considered, and the typical response is blow them out. My response to that is a short statement about a third quality of a strong marriage—the development of the gifts and strengths of each party—and why the two candles should remain lit alongside the larger one. I tell the couple that when the wedding ceremony begins they come as two people, and as they walk down the aisle at the conclusion of the ceremony they walk down as a new unit, a new entity, a new creation—but this new creation does not obliterate their respective individuality. In other words, part of the work of a marriage is to build the marriage as a unit, but another part is to build each marriage partner as an individual. This is one aspect of what it means to serve each other—to help the other develop their unique gifts, talents, joys and potentials. It means not having to do everything together and, far from being threatened by the strengths or interests of the other, to celebrate them and help the other grow and express their strengths and talents and enjoy their interests. It means giving each other space to be an individual as well as cultivating life together.

Talking with couples before their marriage was usually a positive and encouraging task. It was also one which made me regularly evaluate my own marriage, and see how well I was living out what I was telling the couple to do. In that sense it was humbling… And it made me realize how blessed I was in my own marriage. Before I proposed to Nancy I asked a godly woman I knew, and who knew both me and Nancy well, whether or not in her opinion it would be right for us to marry. I did that because I did not trust my own decision making given the love I felt towards Nancy (yes, love can lead people to make bad mistakes). She encouraged me to go ahead, which I did. I am glad she said what she said and that I did what I did. I am grateful to God for 41 years of his blessing, and I am looking forward to however many more years he will give us—for our joy and for his glory and service.